After watching the presidential and vice presidential debates, I've concluded that it doesn't matter whether they're being grilled by a media star or a fifth-grade C student; you're going to get the same answers every time.

That's because the candidates are skilled at answering the questions they want to be asked, and not necessarily the questions they are asked.

I shall demonstrate with a fantasy debate moderated by Katie Boric, a fifth-grader at Kerrmit Middle School in East Paddywack, N.J., who is firing her own questions to the major-party presidential and vice presidential candidates. Listen in:

Katie: My first question: What is your favorite food?

Barack Obama: I'm glad you asked that question, Katie, because nutrition is a very important aspect of the quality of life for us in the United States of America. Now, John McCain would follow the failed dietary habits of George W. Bush, who during the past eight years has led this country into a nutritional crisis. We can't afford four more years of fried pork skins. My tax breaks for the middle class will enable ordinary Americans to afford arugula.

Katie: Thank you, Sen. Obama. Sen. McCain, your favorite food?

John McCain: Broiled maverick with potatoes and sour cream.

Katie: And your favorite, Sen. Biden?

Joe Biden: John McCain, God love him, is a great guy and a dear friend of mine, but when it comes to meat, he's dumb as a brick. That's not maverick he's been eating; it's milk-fed veal from calves raised under inhumane conditions, like the conditions at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, where George Bush has denied suspects the right to due process and subjected them to torture. Myself, I'm partial to the hearty pot roast we had for Sunday dinner when I was growing up in the blue-collar neighborhoods of Scranton, Pa.

Katie: Gov. Palin?

Sarah Palin: Well, you won't see me eating from the Washington, D. C., pork barrel, that's for sure. My favorite food is grilled mooseburger, made from scratch using moose I've shot and butchered myself. And baked Alaska for dessert, you betcha.

Katie: My next question to all four of you: What is your favorite color? Sen. McCain, you go first.

John McCain: Red, on the electoral map.

Barack Obama: I believe color has no place in this election campaign. However, you and I know that under George Bush there's been a red light holding up economic progress and ecological stewardship. For the last eight years, John McCain has failed to honk his horn in disapproval. When I become president, the light will turn green for more jobs, lower taxes and a healthier environment.

Katie: Gov. Palin?

Sarah Palin: My favorite color is black, the color of Alaskan crude oil. There are billions of barrels of it beneath the soil of the Arctic Wilderness and on the offshore sea floor. Let's drill, baby, drill.

Katie: And your favorite color, Sen. Biden?

Joe Biden: It's blond, the color of my wife's hair, and she's drop-dead gorgeous. John McCain — he's a great guy and my good friend — also is married to a gorgeous blonde, and Jill and I look forward to having John and Cindy over for bridge after Barack Obama moves into the White House.

Katie: Next question: What is your favorite music? You first, Sen. Obama.

Barack Obama: My favorite song is "Michelle, Ma Belle," because my Michelle is indeed beautiful, and so are our gorgeous daughters. Now George Bush has been allowing Wall Street to call the tunes for the past eight years. At first it was Fabian's "Turn Me Loose"; then it became "Rescue Me," by the Supremes. If John McCain is elected, the whole country will be singing the refrain of the late Bobby Darrin: "Splish, splash, I was taking a bath." John McCain would like for the Wall Street tycoons to party on while ordinary people are taking a bath in red ink.

Katie: Your favorite music, Sen. McCain?

John McCain: "Anchors Aweigh."

Katie: And yours, Sen. Biden?

Joe Biden: I like "The Pennsylvania Polka." It has a line that says, "It started in Scranton, it's now number one." I started in the blue-collar neighborhoods of Scranton, and now I'm going to be a heartbeat away from number one."

Katie: Gov. Palin?

"You know, one day Todd and I were sitting on our deck listening to the sounds from Russia, which you can see from Alaska, and we heard noises like cannons going off. I sent the Alaska National Guard to investigate and called General McClelland in Afghanistan for advice. He told me it was just a nationwide Russian celebration and they were playing Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture," in honor of Russia's victory over Napoleon. The cannons are part of the percussion. So I said, "What the heck, let's bring the boys home." My favorite song is still Johnny Horton's "North to Alaska."

Katie: My final question: Why are you running for the office you're seeking?

Sen. McCain, you go first.

John McCain: Because I'm the best-qualified candidate.

Katie: Sen. Obama?

Barack Obama: For the past eight years, this country has been run by a white Anglo-Saxon Republican. John McCain offers us four more years of the same. It's time for a change.

Katie: Sen. Biden?

Joe Biden: Because I'm the best qualified candidate, but I accept the verdict of the primary voters. I will be a loyal adviser to President Obama and will accept the vice presidency, which former Vice President "Cactus Jack" Garner called "a bucket of warm spit."

Katie: Sen. Palin?

Sarah Palin: What this country needs is a big dose of fresh Arctic air from Alaska, and I'm glad Sen. McCain has consented to help me bring it to the Lower 48.

Katie: My thanks to all four of you, and may the best ticket win.

Readers may write Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson SC 29621, or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@aol.com