It’s time to put on my time-penetrating binoculars and share with my readers my annual foregleams of the new year — foregleams that have proved in the past to be 99.44 percent baloney.

Here’s what I see for 2009:

January: Barack Obama is inaugurated as the first president who wasn’t born on the mainland of North America. Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church delivers the invocation, calling for “straight talk” from America’s leaders. Gay Rights leaders protest, calling the prayer “homophobic.” Jeremiah Wright, the president’s former pastor, grits his teeth and mutters, “G— D— Obama.” Gov. Rod Blagojevich of Illinois is arrested while scalping tickets to inaugural balls. Jesse Jackson wanders over to the White House and asks, “Where’s the outhouse?”

February: Gov. David Paterson of New York announces criteria for a senator to replace Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton: Must be female; must have experience raising funds for New York City schools; must have a maiden name that starts with a K. Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska announces method of choosing a senator to replace the convicted Ted Stevens: A snowmobile race from Wasilla to Juneau, with the winner going to the Senate. Gov. Blagojevich announces method of choosing senator to replace President Obama: A crapshoot with the winner going to the Senate and the proceeds going to the governor’s legal-defense fund. President Obama appoints Sarah Palin as secretary of energy, effective as soon as she fills the Senate vacancy. Citizens Against Foreign Terrorists (CAFT) calls upon Obama to appoint Bill Ayers as head of homeland security. “Our domestic terrorists can outsmart those foreign guys,” said a CAFT spokesman.

March: President Obama appoints Ralph Nader as new car czar. Nader dusts off his old book, Unsafe at Any Speed and orders all rear-engine vehicles removed from highways. Congress appropriates $750 billion to buy up all Corvairs, Volkswagen Beetles, Renault Dauphines, Porsches, Greyhound buses and Caterpillar road scrapers. O.J. Simpson mounts appeal challenging his incarceration as cruel and unusual punishment: The prison doesn’t provide golf carts and caddies.

April: Major League Baseball expands with new teams in Mexico, Japan and the Dominican Republic. Nader issues order that cars stop using fossil fuels. General Motors, Ford and Chrysler introduce hay-driven vehicles, drawn by horses. Advertisements claim they can move faster than gas-driven vehicles at rush hour on Los Angeles freeways. Congress approves $35 billion bale-out (cq) to subsidize farmers who grow hay. President Obama institutes jobs program employing 5 million workers to clean horse droppings off the highways. Mexicans swarm across the border to fill the new jobs. Alaska First Dude Todd Palin wins snowmobile race, heads for U.S. Senate. Paterson names as New York’s senator Katie Kryznokovich, a street person who donated 10 percent of her earnings to city schools. Blagojevich appoints his wife, Patty, to the Senate. When Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid seeks to block her from being seated, she responds by quoting former Vice President Dick Cheney: “Go *&%#@ yourself.”

May: Obama administration closes prison at Guantanamo Bay, releasing all suspects who have not been convicted. Alert guard recognizes Osama bin Laden, who has been held there unrecognized for the past eight years. Laden hot-foots it across the border into Cuba. New president orders playoff to choose national college football champion.

June: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) file civil-rights suit claiming Constitution forbids conscription of horses for forced labor pulling cars and trucks. Nader’s comments: “Nuts.” Ford, General Motors and Chrysler design smaller cars powered by squirrels treading rotating cages and feeding on peanuts that drop into the cage with every rotation. Car czar mandates 30 miles to the liter of nuts. American manufacturers protest that they can’t count in metric.

July: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pays official visit to the sultanate of Brunei. Husband Bill asks U.S. attorney general for ruling on whether he is allowed to accept the sultan'’s offer of free use of his harem.

August: O.J. loses appeal. Obama pardons him and gives him a job as his caddie. Use of peanuts for automobile fuel drives up cost of peanut butter. Consumer revolt prompts Nader to rule that automakers must find non-food source of energy. GM, Ford and Chrysler ask for $35 billion in federal funds to study ways of converting broccoli into bio-fuel. Japanese companies cross kudzu with soybeans to produce Kudzulene, a cheap, high-energy fuel oil.

September: Kudzu vines cover Japan, choke Toyota, Honda and Nissan factories. U.S. growers attempt to harvest vine, but mechanical equipment is immobilized by fast-growing tentacles. Southern chemists produce new corn-based fuel called “white lightning.” DUI convictions rise as tailgaters get high from breathing the exhaust.

October: First true World Series is played, with the Tokyo Giants of the American League taking on the Santo Domingo Pintas of the National League. Pintas triumph, taking final game when winning run scores on a suicide squeeze. Giants commit hara-kiri; team moves to Seoul. Saudi Arabia near bankruptcy as demand for petroleum sinks in competition with Kudzulene.

November: Resurgent Auburn Tigers defeat Troy State 14-13 to make it to national championship game against Crimson Tide, which defeats Louisiana-Lafayette in the semi-finals. Championship game to be played in January 2010. We’ll give you the results next year.

December: Congress votes $750 billion bail-out for Saudi Arabia in exchange for agreement to provide crude for $1 a barrel. Fuel prices in U.S. drop to 30 cents a gallon. Chrysler introduces Dodge Mastodon, an 11-passenger SUV with a V-12 engine. Ford responds with the 12-passenger Ford Dreadnought with a V-16 engine. General Motors drops the Hummer and introduces the GMC Bomber, a 14-passenger SUV with a V-18 engine. Energy Secretary Palin explains that the increase in greenhouse gases will elevate global temperatures, bringing about a savings in fuel oil for heating.

Readers may write Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson SC 29621 or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@AOL.com