A few weeks ago, I was called upon to perform clergy duty at the wedding of my dear friend Dr. Ashley Jones, a graduate of Auburn’s prestigious vet school and now a practicing veterinarian in northern New York.

The wedding itself was to take place in the commonwealth of Massachusetts, the home state of her groom, the stalwart Capt. Scott Dawe.

Thanks to some last-minute travel plan difficulties, it became apparent that in order to make it to the ceremony on time, I would have to drive the almost 1,412 miles from Robertsdale, Ala. to Leominster, Mass. – more than 22 hours in the car.

While I intended to make the trip alone, my father bravely volunteered to accompany me on the journey, so that I “wouldn’t die driving off the road in the middle of the night.” This turned out to be a good call by the reigning Cliff McCollum.

So, should any of you dear readers attempt to make such a trek yourselves, heed the warnings and advice that this renegade member of the clergy brings you now.

• If driving the ‘graveyard shift’ between Greenvillle, S.C., and Greenville, Va., you will see nothing but 18-wheelers on the road with you. Take this opportunity to put on C.W. McCall’s 1975 song “Convoy” and sing along as loud as you can without waking up your passenger.

• Do not drink two 5-Hour Energy shots within 30 minutes of one another, or you may start to see wibbly-wobbly lines in your field of vision and your heart may feel as though it’s about to explode, not unlike the Death Star.

• Once you hit Virginia, you’re in Pepsi territory. Finding a Coke machine will be difficult, if not impossible, so take precautions. Finding sweet tea will be equally difficult, unless you manage to find a Bojangles Chicken place along your route, which is about as likely as finding a leprechaun in your basement.

• When driving from Pennsylvania going east into New Jersey, there is a sign that proclaims “Last exit in Pennsylvania.” Heed that warning; it’s a blessing to know New Jersey is imminent.

• It is illegal to pump your own gas in the state of New Jersey. If you try to do so yourself, attendants at the gas station you are at (most likely a “Wawa” station) will hurl obscenities at you in an effort to make you stop.

• Some stereotypes are stereotypes because they are true. Within five minutes of entering New Jersey, I saw no fewer than four people dressed in track suits and heard the phrase “Fuhgeddaboud it” thrice.

• If New York City insists on making you pay $13.50 to cross the George Washington Bridge, they should at least have the decency to make it worth the cost. Have speakers blaring Tito Puente salsa beats as you drive along or maybe have former mayors David Dinkins, Rudy Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg hand out popsicles or balloons halfway across.

• People in New York City merge lanes and make odd turns at the drop of a hat, without any signals or sign of what they are about to do. It may make you want to take a tire iron to the front of their Lexus, but as several friends who are residents of the tri-state area informed me, such actions would not be advisable unless you have a death wish.

• Connecticut is a Hellmouth. Their state roads are narrow and have oncoming traffic merging into them from both sides. If your route takes you through this state, go ahead and add an extra three hours to your total trip time, as Connecticut drivers will do their darnedest to cause rear-end collisions that will cause stop-and-start gridlock traffic (it happened to us twice within the scant few hours we were there).

• Every “courtesy stop” in the Hellmouth State is equipped with a Subway, a Dunkin Donuts and a ramshackle convenience store. Do not stop at these under any circumstances unless you enjoy having awkward conversations with the homeless whilst at the urinal.

• When you arrive at your destination in the commonwealth, post your arrival on social media, making sure someone is there to greet you with a nice cigar and what could possibly be the most glorious words in the English language: “There’s an open bar and we’re driving you there.”

Cliff McCollum is managing editor of Gulf Coast Newspapers. He can be reached at cmccollum@gulfcoastnewspapers.com.