Dear Peer Pressure:

There’s a girl at my school who is overweight and she doesn’t have many friends.  She’s kind of a loner, but I think she wants to hang out with one of the groups.

Our school is kind of ‘cliquish’ and she doesn't fit in to many of the cliques. I try to be nice to her, but she doesn’t know how to be friendly, I guess.

It bothers me because I know she doesn’t want to keep getting fatter (it’s bad for her health), but she eats a lot and doesn’t talk much.

Should I keep trying to be nice to her or just leave it alone?

—Peer helper

SR: I have heard that the job of a friend is not to decide what should be done for others, but to demonstrate understanding, supply courtesy and generate hope. Helping your peers to become happier, more successful adolescents can be accomplished in many forms. Showing interest as a friend and listening is a good way to help anyone.

At this time in life, social acceptance and peer relations are critical. Teenagers are so consumed by the need to belong to a group, experience some sense of power and freedom, and obtain ways to comfortably have fun. Unfortunately, everyone does not respect diversity, and words can be spoken that offend others very easily. Keep in mind that people in general are prejudiced against those who are not just overweight, but skinny as well.

Continuing to be nice to someone is always a noble act. Maybe if you strive to be her friend, others will accept her also. If she complains about her weight, then you might give her suggestions for eating healthier and exercising more. It is important that you remember to take a SOFT approach when listening to someone else’s concerns. Do not feel it is your job to solve or fix their problems.

When actively listening to your friend, state open-ended questions such as, “It sounds like you are sad because…” This will allow your friend to express herself freely and she may begin to answer some of her own questions regarding her weight or feelings of isolation. Sometimes, just having someone to listen to our thoughts and provide words of inspiration can create a new beginning for a brighter future.

JPC: You should definitely keep trying to be nice to her, because whether she shows it or not, your kind words probably mean a lot. It is great that you are reaching out to her; it sounds like a lot of people don’t do this and even though she may not be sure of how to respond yet, you should continue acting friendly toward her.

If you feel comfortable, you might want to even invite her over to your house sometimes or include her when you are hanging out with a group of friends. Once she sees that there are people who are inviting her to be part of things, she will probably be much more willing to reach out herself and start talking to people.

About her weight: You’re right; it’s very unhealthy to have a weight that is too high or low in proportion to age and height. Perhaps you might want to especially include her when you and your friends are doing an activity that is good exercise, such as riding bikes, playing any sort of sport, going roller-skating, or even just walking around a big mall.

This way, she will not only get to know some of the other people in your class—so she may feel more comfortable talking to them—but you will both get a fun source of exercise, which is a big part of a healthy lifestyle.