I've always been a fan of Apple Computer products. My husband even worked for Apple for a few years after college, and while he was still a student, had the first personal computer I had ever seen anyone own. I thought it was crazy for him to have his own computer when it was so easy to just walk across campus to the computer lab. What can I say? Some people are meant to be visionaries that way. The rest of us just get to listen to them.

I eventually came around and discovered the value of computers, and in particular, I fell in love with Apple products. I even owned one of the much maligned Apple Newtons, a stone-age precursor to the iPad.

So I recently had a geeky adrenaline rush when I received my new iPhone 5 with Siri voice recognition. Alabama hero Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, probably boxed it up himself. Tim is a very busy, but thoughtful man.

The new leader of Apple grew up right here in Baldwin County. A graduate of Robertsdale High School and Auburn University, Tim is definitely a grad-made-good.

With these strong ties to the heart of Dixie, I have two questions for my Sweet Home friend Tim.

1. Why can't we get an Apple store around here? Come on, Tim! Show us a little hometown love and set us up with one of your shiny, oh-so-hip and sleek stores. Birmingham is too far to drive for my iPad doo-hicky thingamajigs that I'm always needing. Well, “need” isn't exactly correct. And on top of my “needs,” every high school student in Baldwin County is now an Apple user, so there are lots of customers just waiting!

2. Why doesn't Siri, the voice recognition program, understand a Southern accent? For that matter, why doesn't she HAVE a southern accent?

Siri is described as a voice activated “personal assistant” who can locate movie information, provide maps, text, call and play music all through hands-free technology.

Siri's name alone, (Sear –ee) is out of sorts as well. Shouldn't Tim have at least named the slick device “Siri Mae” or “Siri Jean?” All of us around here would have taken more kindly to her if he had. She would have at least felt more like a friend or beloved Aunt.

My family and friends spent the entire first weekend of having Siri with us laughing our rear-ends off over how Siri interprets the things we say. She did pretty well with some topics.

I asked, “Where can I find some good grits?” Siri quickly replied that she had found a list of ten local restaurants close to me that served grits. That's a whole heap of grits within a mile or so, and I don't even think Waffle House was included. No Waffle House? That should have been a hint that something was a little off.

Sure enough, as Siri and I became more familiar with one another, our differences stood out and we experienced a failure of communication. Siri kept giving me the address of the veterinarian's office when I asked for a hushpuppy recipe, and even worse, Siri didn't know a single Jerry Clower joke.

When I asked Siri how to boil peanuts, she kept thinking we wanted to go BOWL something. She may as well be my northern mother-in-law who also needs an interpreter to understand what I say.

Siri had no answer for how to make sweet tea, and although she offered to look it up, she never got back to me. (You do know I was just playing with her. Who doesn't know how to make sweet tea?)

Siri also did not like to discuss Jesus and didn't know most standard hymns. And remember to say “press” the buttons, not “mash.” Siri hates that.

When I asked Siri to play the University of Alabama fight song, Karen Carpenter started singing, “I'll say good-bye to love, there is no tomorrow for this heart of mine . . .” Huh? Nor did she know Auburn's “War Eagle,” from Tim Cook's own alma mater! The shame!

Regional iPhones would be a great invention. Instead of giving directions in miles, Southern Siri could tell us to go “down yonder a piece and turn left where Hazel Lou's beauty parlor, the “Curl Up And Dye” used to be before it moved over to the four-lane.

I finally thought I would show Miss Siri some Southern kindness, so I said, “Siri, gimme some sugar!” Her response? “OK, one of these places matching Sugar is close to you.” Then, she told me how to get to the Sugar Kettle Café in Daphne.

I Suwannee, it's true. My mother-in-law is Siri. I'm going to put her to work and see if she can find a good location for a new Gulf Coast Apple Store!

And while she's at it, she can “bowl” me some peanuts.