As longtime readers of this column are well aware, I am a great believer in monsters and have taken it upon myself to stand sentinel against their potential invasion of the Southland.
The latest monster report is from Borneo, an island somewhere over there where they have cannibals and headhunters and orang-utans and such. Now we have photographic evidence of the existence of Nabau, a dragon-like monster that can change its shape when the need arises. I believe this is possible, because my Aunt Minnie has been known to roar like a dragon when Uncle Herman shows up drunk, and she can change her shape drastically when she dons a corset and a Wonder Bra.
However, I’ve seen pictures of Nabau, and it looks nothing like Aunt Minnie. It is long (about 100 feet long, in fact) and slim and graceful, and it can swim. To the best of my knowledge, Aunt Minnie can’t swim, mainly because she can’t find a bathing suit capable of adjusting to her contours.
Nabau, according to one source, roughly translates into English as “Barack.” The source, I believe, is the Republican National Committee.
The photograph of Nabau was taken from a helicopter hovering over the Baleh River, which threads through the jungles of Borneo. Some people of little faith are hollering “fake!” but they are the same people who doubt the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, Yeti, Sasquatch, the hoop snake and the cattywampus, all of which have been thoroughly documented by folklore. These doubters are the same people who refuse to accept the fact that UFOs have brought aliens to our planet who have kidnapped responsible citizens and even sired offspring by them. If you don’t believe such offspring exist, take a walk through any local shopping mall on a given Saturday.
The peaceful villagers along the Baleh River are scared to death of Nabau, which should tell you something about its authenticity. It takes a real monster to scare a headhunter.
Women and children are afraid to leave their huts, and men will venture forth only after having consulted the local witchdoctor. You know these men are serious about it, because neither Medicare nor Medicaid covers visits to witchdoctors.
People of little faith say the photograph shows Nabau floating on the surface of the Baleh with none of its bulk submerged. Well, maybe it inflated itself with methane preparatory to exhaling fire. That would give it plenty of buoyancy.
Legend has it that if you swim under a Nabau, you'll never be bitten by another snake. I can believe that. By the time Nabau is finished with you, there won’t be a bite left for other snakes.
I get impatient with people who doubt the existence of monsters just because you can’t walk into the Birmingham zoo and see one. I doubt that the Cahaba River is big enough to hold Nabau, but if it’s real enough to scare a cannibal, it’s got to be real.
As for “Sasquatch,” how could anybody come up with such a name if the creature didn’t exist? Plenty of people have reported seeing either him or his tracks, and some have even taken his picture. Sure the pictures look fuzzy, but Sasquatch is a fuzzy critter and if you saw him, I’m betting that your hands would be shaking as you held the camera. Same goes for the Yeti. He lives in the high Himalayas and hates paparazzi. Anybody who tries to snap his picture is likely to get shoved down an icy crevice. Do not try to photograph one!
The Loch Ness Monster obviously exists, or it could not have survived for 14 centuries. It was first observed in Scotland’s around the 6th century, which roughly coincides with the invention of Scotch whisky. According to this yarn, a guy named Saint Columba was dwelling among the native picts when they told him about a dragon-like creature who attacked and killed a swimmer in the River Ness. Saint Columba ordered one of his followers to swim across the river (Why didn’t he do it himself? Saint Columba was no dummy). When the monster came after the swimmer, Saint Columba made the sign of the cross and yelled, “Go no further. Do not touch the man. Go back at once.” Nessie, being a god-fearing monster, obeyed immediately. You can’t doubt this story if you truly believe that saints don't lie.
During the 20th century, Nessie resurfaced in Loch Ness. He was photographed several times, and at least once was picked up on sonar. Myths don’t show up on sonar. In 1933, the British secretary of state for Scotland ordered police to prevent anyone from attacking the creature. You’ve got to be real to make the British endangered-species list.
All I can say is that international folklore would be greatly impoverished were all the monsters to be expunged. I wouldn’t want to import any of them to the South; we’re still suffering from the importation of kudzu — a wild, untamable monster in its own right. And we have our own native hoop snake — a creature with a poisonous spike on the end of its tail, which can coil itself into a hoop and roll downhill faster than a man can run.
I wouldn’t want to cross one of those with a man-eating Nabau. A hoop measuring 100 feet in circumference probably could outrun a cattywampus, and that’s scary.
Don’t believe in Nabau? You might as well not believe in Santa Claus.
Readers may write Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson SC 29621 or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@AOL.com
