I was in the shower the other day and reached for the shampoo to wash my hair. That’s when I noticed the fragrance on the shampoo container: “aloe and waterlily.” Holy smokes! I thought. I checked out the deodorant after getting out of the shower: “sweet pea and violet.” Sweet pea!

I panicked. I started going around the house checking fragrances that I unwittingly use. Washing detergent: “Tropical Splash.” The soap I was using in the shower smelled good – too good – but the other bars in the bathroom closet were in plain white individual boxes without the fragrance listed. As I said, the soap smelled good, so I expect the fragrance was something akin to “waterlily” or “sweet pea.” You know, maybe “mango” or “rose petal” or “fruit blush.” The only masculine product I found was my shaving cream; “original” it said proudly. Only thing, if I’m using “original” then other guys lathering up with that brand of shaving cream are using some of the other fragrances. I looked them up; there’s “aloe” and “soothing aloe” among the choices; “sensitive skin” is mentioned way too often!

Man, it’s getting harder to be a man! For one thing, we smell way too durn good. Just how long have I been putting “aloe and waterlily” on my hair without noticing it? I mean, my hair covers my brain, and the brain is where all kinds of manly or not so manly things originate. What if my unconscious mind has been picking up on the fact that I’ve been using “aloe and waterlily” on my hair and my brain has just shortened it to “lily.” No man wants “lily” to be rolling around in his noggin! See my point?

Daniel Boone never went out with “sweet pea” armpits, and I guarantee you that Gen. George Custer’s uniform didn’t smell like “Tropical Splash.”

Heck, we don’t even eat like men today. Roman soldiers used to get paid in salt. Today salt is considered as brutish and deadly as some of those heathen tribes the Romans fought. Meat? No, it’s salads we eat today (the “lite” salad dressing, please, and hold the croutons; I’m watching my weight). It’s no wonder we’re puttering around in mini-vans today instead of muscle cars. We’ve got nothing to flex!

I’ll bet all the wags who are so concerned about preserving the traditional family haven’t thought about the “waterlily,” “aloe,” “sweet pea” and “Tropical Splash” assault on the American male. Personally, I don’t even want to think about the number of men who sneak around and use their wives’ Secret. Strong enough for a man but gentle enough for a woman, huh? Maybe there isn’t that big of a difference any more.

All I’m saying guys is this: The next time the doorbell rings and it’s Avon calling, just ask yourself a question. Is Avon here to see the “man” of the house or the woman of the house? If it’s you, maybe it’s time to cut back on the aloe for all our sakes.

Bob Morgan is a retired, award-winning journalist and an author.