Q. I can tell my wife something and she seems to hear things I didn’t say. She gets real defensive and I didn’t say anything that she should have gotten mad about. Why does she do that?

A. Let’s sit down and discuss this problem. I am going to share an important formula with you and the readers of this column and then I will attempt to explain how to apply the formula to your communication with your wife.

Perception +/– Assumption = Reality

Let me explain. When you speak to your wife, she assumes something. This assumption distorts her perception and her reality is not correct. You say, for instance, “Is that a new sweater?” Her assumption may be that you are saying she is spending too much money so her perception is that you are being critical. She responds by defending herself by saying something like, “Well, you bought that new motorcycle helmet.” Her reality is that the conversation is about money when you really wanted to tell her how hot she looks in the sweater you had not seen her in before this moment.

 We can look at this same situation another way. You may assume your wife is getting defensive. Your perception may be that no matter what you say she gets defensive. Your reality then may be that you end up in an argument about her hiding something since she is being so defensive. In actuality, you may begin the conversation in a tone that promotes defensiveness and thus fulfills your perceptions. You may say something like this, “I see you have been shopping, again.” When your wife hears ‘again’ she defends her self by saying, “I pulled this from the back of the closet. I don’t always go shopping. Why are you picking on me?” Then the conversation takes a turn for the worse.

 So, how do we remedy this situation? We have to remove all assumptions. For the reality to be correct and conducive to good communication, assumptions must not happen. Your perceptions and your wife’s perceptions must be discussed openly and safely in order to reach correct realities. One day, with much practice, you will look back on all the assumptions and laugh at how easily an assumption tainted the perceptions and thus tainted the realities of many of your conversations.

 Ask your wife, when you see the hurt look on her face, “What perception do you have that prompted that reaction? I want to help you remove the assumption that is negative. I really meant that as a compliment.” Most critical is the need to listen without judgment as she tells you what the assumption is and where it came from because this assumption is the foundation of her perception. Good luck. You may email me at cindyhwarren@yahoo.com with your questions or visit warrencounselingservices.com. Till next month…continuing to instill hope in all things!

Ms. Cindy