I do a great deal of couples work. I had a reoccurring theme this week in my sessions. Let’s grab a cup of coffee and talk about a common couples issues.

 Q. My husband comes in from work and goes into the office we created in the other room. He is there for a couple of hours doing paperwork. He comes out and turns on the television. My husband does not help me with the kids. My husband does not help me with the dinner preparations. I feel all alone and overwhelmed and lonely in the evenings. Then we go to bed and he wants to be intimate. Then he gets mad because I am not in the mood. I know you can help me sort through this problem. I have been reading your column and you seem to understand things. Help me.

 A. I sense you are becoming more and more resentful as each day passes. I see this dilemma often. You may be surprised by my response to your question. You may want to grab a cup of coffee to consider my response.

 What would you say if I told you your husband may not fully understand your need for assistance in the evenings? I know, you have probably yelled at him to help you from the kitchen with poor results. You may have stood in front of the television demanding his contribution, again, with poor results. Now, I am assuming you have made your needs perfectly clear from your perspective. But, men need to hear things in different ways. What your husband may have heard was ‘noise’ and not ‘message’.

 As our schedules are these days, men work, men come home, men need to relax and unwind, and need to have sex. Women work, women come home, women need to relax and unwind but women need to cook, clean, and take care of children, run kids to events, grocery shop, buy presents, do laundry, and oh yeah, intimacy. The problem here is not in what we do but in why we do it all and in how efficient we do it all. It is no wonder that husbands set down and wait for us to be done.

 But at the same time, our husbands really do want to please us. They attempt to please us by tending to other things that make life work such as jobs, paperwork to bid on jobs or paperwork for taxes or lawns or automobile maintenance. We may perceive these things as them trying to avoid helping us. In reality they are doing things they perceive as making life better.

 Another reality with men and their time is that men need ‘alone’ time when they come home from work to debrief. Men spend all day solving problems and they need time to sort out and put away the day. We tend to see this needed time as a waste of time. If we were to change how we see this time and begin to see it as needed for debriefing purposes and allow it without resentment, we would begin to see a change in the way they see what we do.

 After the time alone, you might go to your husband, set beside him and give him one big hug and thank him for all he does to make the family life, as you know it, possible. What do you think would happen to you and to your husband if he felt you really appreciate him for him and for what he contributes to the family? I’ll tell you.

 If you practice this daily, you will begin to believe what you say. You will begin to notice him and his efforts in a more genuine way, teaching the children to do so as well. When a man senses he has purpose and is appreciated he will do more to please his wife. Both win in this situation. By bedtime you will be more in the mood, if you can even wait till bed time.

 So, my bottom line response is to allow him his space, honor him, show him respect and you will receive your ‘payday’ in doing so. Trust me on this one.

 I hope this helps. Let me know.

 You may email me at cindyhwarren@yahoo.com with your questions or visit warrencounselingservices.com. Till next month…continuing to instill hope in all things!

Ms. Cindy