I have seen a great deal of conversation this past month concerning stepfamilies. I thought I would invite you to sit with me for a few minutes, enjoy a cup of coffee, and discuss the following question regarding a stepmom and her husband’s children.

 Q. I am married to a great man. Our marriage is wonderful. Well, I’ll be honest. Our marriage is wonderful till his children come around. This is my first marriage and his second. He spends so much time with his kids that I feel left out. The kids are so disrespectful to me. He just says, “It’s a phase, get over it.” What am I supposed to do? I feel like a stranger in my own home when his kids are there.

 A. I feel your frustration from your question. You are not alone. First, let me give you a great resource for stepfamilies then I will answer the questions and concerns you have. If you will go to successfulstepfamilies.com you will meet Ron Deal. Ron works extensively with stepfamilies. I received my training concerning stepfamilies from Ron at a conference with The American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) years ago. I have been using his work ever since with much success.

Normally, in a first marriage, the spouse relationship is number one and the parent child relationship is number two. But, sadly to say, in the second marriage or any subsequent marriages, the roles change. The parent child relationship is number one (the children were there before the second spouse) and the current marriage relationship is number two. That does not mean that you are second fiddle. What it means is that you must honor the previous relationship that came before you and still exists between your husband and his children.

 What do I mean by honor that relationship? This simply means that you encourage the relationship. You learn as much as you can about their relationship and find ways to show your husband how much his time with his children means to you.

 I have seen some stepparents that actually take a small vacation on visitation weekend enabling the parent more one on one time with the children. I have some stepparents that look forward to the visitation weekend because they see the glow, the anticipation on their spouse’s face as the time rolls near.

Imagine you were the parent of the visiting children and felt you had to choose between your spouse and your children. What an unwise predicament to place the parent in. The children sense the predicament and respond accordingly. This response to the predicament you place on your spouse may be why you are experiencing the disrespect. Now, let me say this, the children do not have the words to express what they are doing. The children just know they are the subject of the discord.

 When you chose your husband you knew he had children. My best advice to you is to allow him his children. Enjoy his children. Find out what he loves about them and love that as well. You will see your husband grow closer to you. Your husband wants to share his children with you but he will protect them from you if he needs.

 Not understanding this basic concept of being a stepparent is the main reason second marriages and other subsequent marriages fail. Don’t be a statistic. Beat the odds and look forward to the children’s arrival. It will take a few visits before they trust you. Stay true to this goal and you will win, he will win and the children will win.

 You may email me at  with your questions, CyndieHWarren@yahoo.com. Till next week…continuing to instill hope in all things!

Ms. Cindy