The problem with writing one column a week is that momentous events don’t occur on a weekly basis. They come in clumps, and it’s impossible to keep up with them if you deal with only one topic a week.

Since this column is devoted to making sense out of an insane world, I’m using this week’s space to deal with a potpourri of long-neglected topics.

For instance:

On New Year’s Eve near Beebe, Ark., it began raining red-winged blackbirds. The birds began plummeting from the sky, landing on roofs, roads, lawns and back yards.

“One of them almost hit my best friend in the head,” said Christy Stevens, who was standing outside with a bunch of friends having a smoke during a New Year’s Eve party.

The mainstream media immediately rushed to judgment. Many speculated that the birds were caught in Sarah Palin’s cross-hairs as she took aim at vulnerable congressional districts. But the rational among us pointed out that the congressional races were over two months prior to the bird kill. So it’s just as likely that the birds died from wild shots fired into the air during the New Year’s celebration. Taking away the right to own and use cross-hairs, metaphorically or otherwise, would not stop such legitimate use of firearms. You don’t need a telescopic sight to aim for the sky.

I consulted my personal think tank — a keg of Bud on the back porch — and came up with this explanation: The birds were done in from the smoke rising from those partiers in Beebe, Ark. When smoking was banned indoors, the smokers were forced outdoors, thereby endangering any birdlife that might be flying over. Everybody who ever took a canary into a coal mine knows that foul air is especially hard on birds.

The solution: Let the folks light up indoors. It takes a lot longer for the poison to get to humans, and in the meantime the red-winged blackbirds can fly over safely and fertilize the fields of Arkansas.

Even more alarming than the sudden deaths of those blackbirds is the demise of bumblebees. According to Time magazine, the relative abundance of four species of bumblebee has declined by up to 96 percent. This could be serious, because farmers rely heavily on the bees to pollinate their crops.

I think the explanation lies in the laws of physics, which are catching up with the bumblebee. It has long been known that a bumblebee’s body is too heavy to be lifted by its flimsy wings. Bumblebees are finally recognizing that fact and staying on the ground, disguised as dung beetles.

Next on my list of momentous events crying for commentary is the court judgment in Brazil that found McDonald’s liable for $17,500 because one of its franchise managers gained 60 pounds while working there for a dozen years. The plaintiff contended that he had to sample the food because McDonald’s was always hiring “mystery clients” to make random visits and report on the condition of the food and the restaurant. Besides that, it offered free lunches to its employees, thereby tempting them to partake of its high-calorie offerings.

The Brazilian court obviously is composed of God-fearing persons who take literally the prayer, “Lead us not into temptation.” If McDonald lays out a constant display of Big Macs begging to be devoured, and offers them as a free lunch, it obviously is responsible for any obesity that results. 

The U.S. Supreme Court, taking a more secular view of prayer, is unlikely to follow this precedent. It is more likely to stick with the doctrine that vendors who sell hot coffee are responsible for any harm that results from customers’ spilling it on themselves. If you’re hard up for cash and want to hit the jackpot, don’t play the ponies or the lottery. Just order a brimming cup of hot coffee from a U.S. McDonalds, or get a job flipping burgers in Brazil and pig out on Big Macs.

Next topic: Marriage. The Associated Press has reported that more and more people consider marriage to be obsolete. Only 52 percent of Americans over the age of 18 are married. Furthermore, 29 percent of children under 18 now live with parents who are no longer married or have never been married. 

Before turning off the TV at night, Miss Peggy and I usually watch the first few minutes of the 11 o’clock news, which is generally a rundown of all the mayhem that has taken place in our local area. We are struck by the number of murders, attempted murders and other anti-social carryings-on committed by girlfriends and boyfriends against children who may or may not be the biological offspring of both parties. And as we watch popular programing, we are struck by the number of people who proudly proclaim that they’re “in a relationship” as opposed to being married. It’s serial relationships for the parents, serial parents for the kids. Conclusion: The people most interested in marriage are those in the gay community who want the right to marry their same-sex partners.

Why is this happening?

I suspect somebody will find a way to blame it on Sarah Palin. Or Barack Obama.

Speaking of whom, the magazine Scientific American has reported that negative political ads work because they use subtle clues that lead people to believe false claims. For instance, the predominantly white study group identifying themselves as Christians were more likely to believe President Obama was a Muslim when they were asked to specify their race. And when asked to tell their age, they were more likely to think John McCain was senile.

For the record, I’m white, Christian and the same age as McCain. I don’t think Obama is Muslim or McCain is senile. Me senile? You be the judge.Write Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson SC 29625, or by e-mail at: WadesDixieco@AOL.com.