Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence is not caused by mental illness, genetics, alcohol or drugs.  It is a behavior that is learned through observation, experience, culture, family and community (peer group, school, etc.).  Personality disorders, mental illnesses, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately.

Abusers often use drug or alcohol intoxication as an explanation for their abusive behavior or use it as an excuse to use violence against their partners.   Although alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships, research shows that alcohol and drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Taking away the alcohol does not stop the abuse.

Batterers abuse because they want to.  They feel they have the "right" to their behavior and may think they are superior to their partners and are entitled to use whatever means necessary to maintain control.

Red Flags of Abuse - You may be involved with a perpetrator if any of the following "red flags" exist in the relationship:

• Quick involvement- the perpetrator pushes for a commitment or major event to occur very early in the relationship.
• Isolation -the perpetrator begins asking you to spend less time with your friends and family and more time with him. You end up no longer maintaining close relationships with friends or family members.
• Suggestions for change- the perpetrator has lots of suggestions on how you can improve your appearance, behavior, etc.  You begin to make changes solely based on these suggestions.
• Controlling behaviors- the perpetrator influences your decisions on hobbies, activities, dress, friends, daily routines, etc. You begin to make fewer and fewer decisions without the perpetrator's opinion or influence.
• Information gathering and pop-ins - the perpetrator wants to know the specific details of your day and rarely leaves you alone when you are not with him, such as when you are at work or out with friends.
• Many forms of abuse - the perpetrator may use name calling, intimidation, humiliation, shoving, pushing or other forms of abuse to get you to do whatever they want you to do.

These red flags may indicate that you are involved with a perpetrator of domestic violence. These red flags may occur early in the relationship and be explained by the perpetrator as caring or loving behaviors such as "I just check on you because I miss you" or "I just want what is best for you" or "I just want us to work on our relationship and spend more time together."

If you have concerns about your relationship or your safety please call the toll free hotline 1-800-650-6522.  http://www.acadv.org/about.html

'Our Voice' are stories written from interviews with domestic violence victims, who will remain anonymous, but want to share their experience in hopes their story can give insight into their world and possibly help someone else. For purposes of this story, the abuser will be called "Mr. Right."

"Donna"

Donna's story begins more than 18 years ago.  She was recently divorced and had two small boys ages one and three.  She was enjoying being single and going out with her friends.  One night while out, Donna met Mr. Right.  Although she wasn't interested in a long term relationship, when he asked for her phone number, she went ahead and gave it to him.

Mr. Right asked Donna out on a date, but she kept putting him off because she was happy being single.  However, after he kept pushing her to go out with him, she finally agreed and they went on their first date.   When he asked her to go on a second date, he invited her boys.  He took them to a Renaissance Festival, which immediately won the favor or her boys.  Since her ex-husband was not in her children's lives, she began to see Mr. Right as their "knight in shining armor."

Mr. Right was always there for her.  He was very attentive, almost to the point of obsession, but to Donna, it was flattering having someone focus that much attention on her.  She remembered a time when they had went out and Mr. Right thought a man had touched Donna on the backside.  Although Donna tried to explain that it didn't happen, Mr. Right went into a rage and began to beat the man.  Looking back, Donna now realizes this was a red flag, but at that time, it was flattering for him to be defending her in such a way.

The two moved in together very quickly.  Donna recalled, "Everything moved fast, too fast really.  I tried to slow it down several times, but he would not hear of it."  She goes on to say, "I would tell him we needed time apart, but he would end up calling in a couple of days.  He would say something to make me laugh and would somehow change my mind."

Within a year of moving in together, Donna became pregnant with their daughter.   During this time, she began to realize that some of the "stories" Mr. Right was telling were actually lies. She knew that sometimes men tell stories to impress women, but his were extreme.  Their first major "discussion" occurred when Donna confronted Mr. Right with her knowledge of one of his lies.  He admitted to the lie and with sincerity, promised he wouldn't lie any more.

After being together for three years, Mr. Right's violence turned toward Donna.  While feeding their daughter, Donna told him she knew he had lied again and called him "a liar."  In a burst of rage, Mr. Right threw a  'Big Gulp' drink at her.  The cup barely missed hitting her in the face and instead smashed against the wall behind her.  The drink has splattered over all three children and they began crying in fear.

Donna, holding their daughter in her arms, confronted Mr. Right.  He grabbed the baby, began screaming profanities at her and ran out the door with their baby.  Donna was terrified, so she called the police for help.  As soon as he saw the police, he handed the baby back to Donna.  Mr. Right turned the story around and told the police he had no idea what her (Donna's) problem was and that she was crazy. 

It was the first time Donna witnessed Mr. Right go from being in a full rage to perfectly calm. Donna said, "It was a real eye opener for me.  It was shocking.  It was incredible to watch that psychological thing take place.  It was like watching a movie play out in front of me."

Throughout their relationship, Mr. Right continued to have bursts of rage.  When he did, he would punch holes in the walls and throw things at Donna, but hadn't physically touched her.  When she first began to feel as though the violence was about to turn on her, Donna kicked him out of the house.

Donna tried to move on, but Mr. Right called her constantly begging her back.  He even cried to her trying to convince her to take him back.  Not only was he calling her, but he was crying to her family as well.  In turn, Donna's family tried to convince her that Mr. Right was trying to change and she needed to give him another chance.  In addition, he knew how badly Donna wanted to keep her family together and he used this to his advantage, so in time, she took him back.  (This happened seven times during their relationship.)

Donna had developed a "show no fear" attitude toward Mr. Right.  Although she was terrified of him, she knew that if she cried, things would only get worse.  Not only would he make fun of her, but he would go into a rage because she was crying.  When he did this, he would scream at her, call her terrible names and punch more holes in the walls.  So, Donna didn't cry...no matter what, at least not in front of him.

Donna and her family moved to a new area and financially things were tough.  To help make ends meet, Donna took a job as a bartender.  The business where she worked had a dress code that consisted of a company logo tank top and jeans.  Mr. Right didn't like the outfit and as Donna was preparing to go to work, the two had an argument about her clothes.  Donna tried to explain that she was working and trying to make money, but he was not satisfied.  She left for work and thought that when she returned home, they would talk about everything and work it out.  Mistakenly, she thought he was thinking the same thing.

When she returned home that night, everyone was asleep.  She went into the kitchen to get a drink and as she opened the refrigerator door, she felt herself being grabbed by the arm and spun around.  Before she knew what was happening, Mr. Right had her by the throat and up against the wall.  He was much taller than Donna, so as he held her, her feet were off the floor. As she hung, choking, struggling to get lose, she felt as though she was about to pass out.  As he choked her, he put his face right up to hers and said "I know you are sleeping around and if you ever let some man molest my daughter, I will kill you!"   He let go of her and she fell to the floor.  She was in total shock.  This was the first time he had accused her of anything like this.  She had no idea where these ideas had come from.

He then calmly walked into another room.  Donna grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer and put it in the back of her pants.  She walked to where he was and said to him "Do you know what you just did to me?  Do you realize that I could call the cops on you right now?"  He said back to her, "You just go ahead and do that.  You do that and see what happens."

Donna spent the entire night laying on the couch as quietly as possible.  She laid there waiting to see if anything was going to happen.  When he left the next morning, Donna called the police and he was arrested.  It was the first time Donna would get a protection from abuse order; she has had four since.

Mr. Right again, talked his way back into Donna's life. He could go for a year and act nice, but eventually, the mental abuse would start all over again.  Donna explained that each time she made him leave and he talked his way back in, the "wars got worse." He would give her "the silent treatment," which sometimes lasted for a month.  He wouldn't say a single word to her the entire time.  She tried everything she could think of to "fix the problem," but nothing worked.  He would simply go into a rage whenever he wanted.

His lies about Donna became much worse as well.  He lied about Donna behind her back and convinced her friends and family that she was a bad mother, that she did drugs and was cheating on him.  This hurt Donna worse than anything else because he was attacking the things that she took the most pride in.  Donna broke down in tears as she explained, "People didn't realize that the psychological abuse was really taking a toll on me.  He would say these things that were so not true and it would hurt me so bad because these were things I valued so deeply. I valued that I didn't do drugs and I was a good mother.  He would slam the things he knew I valued most."  She couldn't understand how he was destroying her reputation in the neighborhood and people were actually believing him. Donna felt alone and trapped. 

Even the kids had learned that when dad walked into the room, they were to immediately stop their conversation, mid-sentence and go to their rooms.  They knew that it was his time.  Donna relates it to having another child..."a really bad child."

Financially the family was struggling and Donna would talk about getting a job, but was not allowed.  They were faced with having to move again and by this time, Donna had grown into a deep depression.  He made Donna ask her family for money, which she had never had to do before.  Doing this, embarrassed her greatly.  She said, "Mentally, I was in a very bad place."  She describes feeling like, "I was in a box and he had the key." 

During the move, Mr. Right convinced Donna and her daughter to stay with a friend.  Her oldest son had moved out by now, so her younger son helped Mr. Right with the move.  Donna and Mr. Right had another argument that lead to 'the silent treatment.'  Eventually Donna realized that she had to get out, but not before learning that Mr. Right had called Donna's family and asked for more money.  Donna had someone take her to get the money before Mr. Right could. 

She used the money to rent a hotel room so that she could figure out how she would get her and her kids out of the situation.  Donna made the decision to let her kids stay with their dad (Mr. Right) for a couple of days while she tried to figure out what to do.  Donna realized that the small amount of money she had was running out quickly and she didn't have an escape plan yet.

She was so broken emotionally that, as she sat alone in the hotel room, she began to consider taking her own life.  It was then that her daughter used Facebook to check on her.  Donna tried her best to tell her daughter she was okay and would be to get her soon, but in reality, she was hopeless.   Thankfully, a mother of one of her daughter's friends saw the conversation between the two and called Donna offering to come pick her up.  Donna said, "This woman saved me.  I was so tired.  I felt so hopeless, that no one loved me and that no one would notice if I was gone and they would be better off if I was gone." "I was at that low of a point in my life."

Donna had agreed to stay with the friend for a while as she got back on her feet.  After picking Donna up from the hotel, the friend took her to pick up her children.  Donna was astonished when her son didn't want to come home with her.  She didn't realize how quickly a child could be mentally altered by an abuser.  Although it took help from the police, Donna got her son back and went to stay with her friend.  Donna knew that she could not continue to live with her friend and contacted the Lighthouse for help.

Donna was thankful for the opportunity to go to the Lighthouse, but admits, "It was scary going into this place and not knowing any of the people or what occurs in shelters.  But I can tell you, they really saved my life too." 

Donna has come a long way from the broken woman she was.  She is living happily with her children and was just offered a new job with a good company. 

If you have concerns about your relationship or your safety please contact The Lighthouse  at 251.947.6008 or 1.800.650.6522. The shelter is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The  Administration Office is open Monday - Friday between the hours of 8 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. The Administration Office phone number is 251.947.6197.