Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used to establish and maintain control over an intimate partner. Some abusive actions may cause physical injury and some are criminal, but all are psychologically damaging to the victim.  -  www.abeacon.org

There are many forms of abuse and each one is difficult to experience.

• Emotional Abuse/Verbal Abuse - Non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation or isolation.
• Stalking - Being repeatedly watched, followed or harassed.
• Financial Abuse - Using money or access to accounts to exert power and control over a partner.
• Physical Abuse - Any intentional use of physical force with the intent to cause fear or injury, like hitting, shoving, biting, strangling, kicking or using a weapon.
• Sexual Abuse - Any action that impacts a person's ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including restricting access to birth control or condoms.
• Digital Abuse - The use of technology such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated through technology.  -  www.loveisrespect.org

Quite often women and men who've experienced domestic violence are misunderstood by those around them.   Too often people are heard to say, "why doesn't she just leave him" or "well, I don't ever see bruises on her." The fact of the matter is, victims learn to hide the signs of abuse because they are embarrassed or afraid for people to find out. They feel as though they have no voice...

'Our Voice' are stories written from interviews with domestic violence victims, who will remain anonymous, but want to share their experience in hopes their story can give insight into their world and possibly help someone else. For purposes of this story, the abuser will be called "Mr. Right."

"Heather"

When Heather met Mr. Right, she was a divorced mom with one child.  She had a good job and was working toward getting a higher education.  Heather met Mr. Right at a family gathering.  She said Mr. Right, "was handsome and we got along great."  He was a gentleman, very complimentary of Heather and enjoyed the same activities as she did.

They began dating and within a few months had decided to get married.  Two months after the engagement, Heather discovered she was pregnant.  Not wanting people to think she "had to get married" because she was pregnant, Heather  called off the wedding.

Although they were not getting married, Mr. Right went ahead and moved in with Heather.  The couple's spirits were high about the upcoming addition to the family.  He was excited about the pregnancy and spoke about how he had everything he ever wanted. Together, Heather and Mr. Right, would go to book stores and sit on the floor reading baby name books.  Everything seemed wonderful for the two expectant parents.

Then, Heather began noticing changes in Mr. Right.  She felt as though he was taking on her identity in many ways.  He changed his choice in music to the genre she listened to, he changed the type of beer he drank to her brand and he began dressing in t-shirts and flip-flops like Heather always did. He was completely different from when they met.

He also began to complain and criticize Heather.  She said, "all the things he liked about me became things that he didn't like." He started to call her names and say things like "you're fat."  But then the next day, he would be gentle and sweet, so Heather would forgive him for his actions the day before.

Gradually, Mr. Right complained every day about pretty much everything.  Heather remembers when she forgot to purchase coffee and he "flipped his lid!"  When he and Heather would have an argument, he would contact her family and get them involved.  He even went as far as to record Heather's dad and himself talking badly about her.

In addition to complaining about everything, Mr. Right became even more verbally abusive.  The once playful Heather he had fun with, was now told she was childish and needed to grow up.  He would tell her she had no motivation and nobody would ever love her.  The names he used to put her down became nasty and vulgar.  She felt as though he would set her up, just so he could tear her down.  An example of such behavior was; he didn't want her to work, but would put her down by saying, he couldn't do it all [meaning pay the bills] on his own.  Because of this, Heather, at about her sixth month of pregnancy, went out to find a job.  Due to her pregnant state, she was turned down for each job she applied for, which made her feel even more defeated. 

Heather said, "I wouldn't have to do anything really to set him off.  If he was mad at work, then he took his anger out on me."  To access his mood, Heather would call him at work.  She would compliment him and tell him he was doing a good job.  If that didn't work and he remained in a bad mood, she would be sure to send her child to the bedroom to play, as to not disturb him when he came home from work.  There were times when he was in such a nasty mood that Heather and her child would go to the bedroom, lock the door and hide under the bed.

Heather later learned that Mr. Right would stay at his job for hours after getting off work.  He would stay there and drink. When he would get home, he would claim he only had one beer, but Heather could tell he had drank far more than just one. When he was drunk, which he most often was, he would go into rages. Heather said, "his rages lasted a couple of days to a week and he would isolate himself during the rage and drink more."  She described him during his rages as resembling "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." She said, "He looked different and everything and he would get so mad that his face would turn red and spit would fly from his mouth as he screamed at me."  Then Mr. Right could, at times, turn and be kind and gentle, completely opposite from before.

He demanded that she take care of him before her child.  She remembers once, she wanted to take her child Trick-or-Treating at Halloween.  He told her she had to wait for him to get off work, then after she tended to him, she could take the child out.  Heather knew that it would be late when he got off work and no one would be handing out candy, so she took her child anyway.  In Heather's words, "whoa that set him off!"  That was the last time she went against one of his rules.

Heather wanted to get away, but didn't know how. To make matters worse, her family was 'old school' and believed she should stand by her man.  They would get embarrassed when Heather called the police.  They told her she shouldn't involve the police because the neighbors would see.  They wanted her to call them to handle the situation, but when she did, they would ask her 'how would you make it without him?'  Because by this point, Heather was completely dependent on Mr. Right; just like he wanted.

After their baby was born, the mental and verbal abuse continued, but so did the "rewards."  Mr. Right would switch so easily from Dr. Jekyll  to Mr. Hyde and become gentle, kind and loving.  He would buy Heather diamonds and jewelry.  He would also spoil the children with toys.

He had a new weapon against Heather now - the baby.  When he would get mad at Heather, he would use the baby against her.  When he would get drunk, he would threaten to leave with the baby or hold the baby from her.  Although Mr. Right never physically abused Heather, she was terribly scared of him.   

Up to this point, Heather believed that she was partly to blame, because when he would "go off" on her, she would occasionally stand up for herself...although not very often.  In her mind, this made her part of the problem. However, Heather recalls when she first began to learn she was not at all part of the problem.

Heather's child had ADHD and was having some trouble in school, so she took the child to a counselor.  Part of the session included speaking with Heather.  While talking with the counselor, Heather learned she [the counselor] specialized in women abusers, so she was very much aware of the signs of abuse.  As she began explaining her home life, the counselor recognized signs of narcissistic personality in Mr. Right. 

Heather told the counselor how Mr. Right had sold her car and said he would buy her a truck.  However, when the time came to go get the truck, it had conveniently been sold and Mr. Right was holding the money. The counselor explained to her about how people with narcissistic personalities act and she needed to get away from him. 

Heather now knew she had to get the money from Mr. Right.  Using her whit, she was able trick him into letting her hold the money.  He warned her though, that she "had better give it back." As soon as he handed the money over to her, she ran to her parents and gave it to them to hold.

This made him so outraged that he left, completely abandoning her and the children.  He left her with no car or food and no money in the bank.  The only thing she did have was the money from the car that was sold, and it was not all that much.  Since he left at the first of the month, she had to use it to pay rent and utilities.

Now that he was gone, Heather had no choice but to apply for WIC.  WIC is a program that provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk. - http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/

Heather knew Mr. Right felt people who used government assistance were, in his words, 'scumbags and trash'.  She felt as though abandoning her and causing her to ask for assistance was, as she said, "just another way to humiliate me."

Heather and Mr. Right stayed apart for a couple of months.  Then he started coming around again, claiming to have gone to counseling.  Heather found herself being drawn back in. He was great for a short while, then he began acting ugly again.  He asked her how she had got money while he was gone and when she explained that she had pawned all her jewelry, he simply smiled.  She said, "he was proud of himself for causing me to have to do that."

It was only a few months when he was back to his old self.  He now even verbally abused Heather in public.  The management of the apartments where they lived, overheard how terribly he spoke to Heather and told her about The Lighthouse.  The Lighthouse is a Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Program serving Baldwin and Escambia Counties.  This was the help Heather needed.  She called The Lighthouse and they came and picked her up.  The staff at The Lighthouse helped Heather to understand mental and verbal abuse. 

Heather spent three years with Mr. Right.  That may not sound like very long, but to victims like Heather, it feels like an eternity.  With help from The Lighthouse, Heather is happy and well with her children.  She is now enrolled in college with intentions of becoming a nurse.  She does not date and has no plans to because the experience with Mr. Right has her "worried" about entering into another relationship.  Her full focus is her children and getting her degree.

As for Mr. Right, he has nothing to do with his child.  Heather said, " he told me to stay away - the best thing he ever did was to get away from me and the children."  Heather believes this is simply because he doesn't like her.  But don't think she is upset by that, Heather is now strong and getting stronger every day. 

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, and need to speak to someone about your situation, contact The Lighthouse at 251.947.6008 or 1.800.650.6522. The shelter is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The  Administration Office is open Monday - Friday between the hours of 8 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. The Administration Office phone number is 251.947.6197.