It’s time for me to look 12 months into the future and enlighten you with my predictions of things to come in 2012. Such predictions in the past have proved 99.44 percent baloney. Here’s a gander at the new year:

January: Ron Paul wins Iowa’s Republican Caucus; White House celebrates. Mitt Romney wins New Hampshire Republican Primary after blasting health-care program in neighboring Massachusetts. Newt Gingrich wins South Carolina GOP primary, despite his record of marital infidelity. Herman Cain declares, “Anything Newt can do, I can do better,” and announces he’s back in the race. Reggie Bush of the Miami Dolphins wins Florida GOP primary. Everglades freeze over. Kim Jong Un takes reins of North Korea after death of his father, Kim Jong Il, who succeeded his own father, Kim Il Sung. Dissidents opposed to Kim Jong Un form group known as Occupy Pyongyang and seek to un-Kim North Korea.

February: Reggie Bush admits he’d like to father a child by Kim Kardashian. “I’m no Saint,” he asserts. Rick Perry wins Colorado GOP caucus; Rick Santorum wins Minnesota caucus; Michelle Bachman wins Missouri non-binding primary. Haley Barbour wins Arizona primary. Mike Huckabee wins Michigan primary. Kim Jong Un orders Valentine’s Day massacre of Occupy Pyongyang dissidents, assumes title, “The Great Suppressor.”

March: Herman Cain asks German Chancellor Angela Merkel to come to his hotel room for beer and pizza, and to discuss the economic future of the Western World. Ms. Merkel responds, “Nein! nein! nein!” Cain takes that as an endorsement of his economic proposals. National League in baseball admits Tokyo Giants and Taipei Dragons as league expands to 18 teams. Fourteen states and the Virgin Islands choose delegates to the GOP convention. Sarah Palin jumps into race and emerges as frontrunner after organizing movement called “Occupy Russia.” She tells Katie Couric she wants to send Rasputin the way of Saddam Hussein. When Katie points out that the current Russian leader is Putin, without a prefix, Sarah responds, “I was just razzing you.”

April: Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford enters race for Republican nomination. He appears on Fox News with Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. They tell Rod Blagojevich, broadcasting from federal prison in Littleton, Colo., that, if elected, they will repeal the Seventh Commandment. Kim Jong Un, taking over as commander-in-chief of the North Korean military, shows his inexperience: Attempting to Occupy Seoul, he marches in the wrong direction and invades China.

May: Kim Kardashian announces she would like to have a baby with Justin Bieber as soon as his voice changes. Movement launched to run Bieber for president. Birthers endorse his candidacy, even though he was born in Toronto. “If we can elect a native of Kenya, we can elect a native of Canada,” says Donald Trump. Oklahoma Sooners agree to join Southeastern Conference.

June: Republicans conclude their delegate-selection process. No candidate emerges as frontrunner. Polls show Ronald Reagan is the popular favorite. Fox News points out that there’s nothing in the Constitution requiring that a president be alive.

July: GOP prepares to meet in Florida’s St. Pete Times Forum. Sarah Palin plans to accompany her husband, Todd, on a dog-sled commute to St. Petersburg, Russia. Told that the St. Pete Times Forum is in Tampa, Fla., she retorts: “Aw shucks. We were hoping the people back home in Wasilla could watch it from their windows.” Boise State Broncos agree to join Southeastern Conference.

August: Hank Williams Jr. opens GOP National Convention by singing “All my rowdy friends are coming over tonight.” Leaders of “Occupy Oval Office” start “Bocephus for president” movement. GOP leaders conclude Hank Jr. has too many vices to qualify for president, but agree that he would make a good vice president. Angela Merkel makes guest appearance and reiterates her belief that “the approach [to build] a multicultural [society] and to live side by side and to enjoy each other … has failed, utterly failed.” Herman Cain is expelled from the party. Grassroots movement begun to annex Germany as 51st state so Merkel can run for president. Historian Gingrich reminds convention there isn’t enough time for that. After a series of ballots in which each primary candidate is briefly a frontrunner, the convention looks for a dark horse. Also Ran, winner of the 2012 Kentucky Derby, says “Neigh.” Convention compromises on Watson, IBM’s famous computer, which bested Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter on the Jeopardy quiz show.

September: Obama campaigns on the theme “He’s the man for the job.” Watson campaigns on the theme, “The candidate most capable of rebooting the economy.” Kim Kardashian says she’d like to have a baby by Watson.

October: Tokyo Giants take on the New York Yankees in the first real World Series and win four in a row. Yankee manager Joe Girardi comments: “The approach to build a multicultural society has failed, utterly failed.” Alabama Crimson Tide agrees to join NFL.

November: Watson wins the election, becoming the first non-human to occupy the Oval Office. South Carolina Gamecocks win Southeastern Conference championship in match-up with Auburn. Statue of Steve Spurrier erected atop Statehouse dome.

December: China stops Kim Jong Un at the Yalu River and annexes North Korea; the Great Successor is exiled to South Korea, where he takes a job parking Hyundais in Seoul. Steve Spurrier leads South Carolina Gamecocks into the championship game of the Bowl Championship Series. Statue of Spurrier replaces the one of John C. Calhoun in the U.S. Capitol. Barrack Obama turns down offer of presidency of Kenya and retires to Hawaii. Barred from taking the Hawaii bar exam because the state couldn’t locate his birth certificate. IBM looks for something big and blue for Watson to wear at inaugural balls.

See ya’ll next year.

Readers may write Gene Owens at 104 Belspring Lane, Anderson SC 29621 or email him at WadesDixieco@AOL.com.