As every right-thinking person knows, Barack Obama is not a real American, having been saddled at birth with an Arabic name and having been born somewhere west of San Francisco, east of Cape Hatteras and south of Alabama.

Some say he was born in Kenya, the land of the Mau Mau. It has been rumored that Kenya is in Africa, and the president does seem to have African features, though it’s sometimes hard to tell since there’s been so much mixing of racial genes since Lincoln turned the slaves loose.

Obama says he was born in Hawaii, where it’s against the law to show people an original birth certificate. Some supporters claim to have seen the Hawaiian birth certificate, which seems to be prima facie evidence that they have violated the law and that the president accepts the support of lawbreakers. Somebody produced a copy of a birth announcement in a Honolulu newspaper. It’s obvious to me that the Obamas, using a time machine invented by the Kenyan Mau Mau, sent Louis Gates back to 1961 to plant the announcement so that it could be produced, on time, in 2009. Gates, the absent-minded Harvard professor, left his door key back in the 20th century. He was arrested while trying to break into his own home after coming back to the future. That’s why he was so mad at the cop.

So what if Obama, against all evidence, was born in Hawaii? It only goes to emphasize his non-Americanism.  Hawaiians have brown skin and wear grass skirts and dance the hula. I’m betting that if you searched deep into the Obama family album you would find pictures of little Barack wearing a grass skirt and swaying his hips suggestively.

Hawaii, of course, is not real America. It is 2,380 miles from San Francisco, as the 747 flies, which means it’s a long way from the American continent. Hawaii is South Pacific. It’s Polynesian. It’s rife with Japanese, both residents and tourists.  How could someone born in Hawaii be truly American?

Defenders point out that Obama was reared by his grandparents in Kansas, which is truly American, having given the nation Bob Dole. But that doesn’t make him native-born.

Obama’s best strategy for holding on to the presidency despite the impressive evidence that he is foreign-born lies in pointing to illustrious predecessors who also were not born in the United States.

John McCain, of course, was born in what is now Panama, but then he wasn’t elected president.

George Washington is a better precedent. He was born a British subject 44 years before there was a United States. He distinguished himself as an aide to British General Edward Braddock in the French and Indian War. In fact the first seven presidents were born British subjects, and the eighth—Martin Van Buren—had a Dutch surname.

I think it’s high time an investigation was launched into the Dutch connection, because, mysteriously, three men with Dutch surnames and one with a Dutch nickname have served as president. Can anyone seriously argue that two men named Roosevelt were truly American? And why did the 40th president accept the nickname “Dutch” in his pre-presidential youth?

The list of U.S. presidents is, in fact, peppered with non-American names: Polk, Fillmore, Buchanan, Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Truman, Reagan, Carter, Clinton—the list goes on.  When Dwight Eisenhower entered the White House, he took his German name with him.

To get a truly American name in the Oval Office, you’d have to elect somebody like Sitting Bull or Crazy Horse or Sequoyah—no, wait, that’s the name of a Japanese SUV. William Henry Harrison doesn’t count. His nickname was “Tippecanoe,” but that’s because he led a successful U.S. force against the native Americans at a place that bore that Indian name. A man named after a Shawnee chief was once urged to run for president, but William Tecumseh Sherman had the decency to proclaim, “If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.”

And then there’s Bill Clinton. Consulting a Web site called “Real News,” I learned about an article in the magazine “Prophecy in the News,” by J. R. Church. It informed me that Clinton, who was born William Jefferson Blythe, was descended from a French king, a bunch of British and Scottish royals, and even (surprise!) a Gypsy king.

Obama’s claim to be the first president of African descent may also be fraudulent. The magazine DiversityInc claims that Eisenhower’s mother was part black and that four other presidents—Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln and Warren Harding—had African ancestors. No wonder Abe was so eager to emancipate his fellow African-Americans.

“Hussein” may be an unusual middle name for an American president, but it’s not the first presidential middle moniker to sound funny. What patriot in his right mind would name a kid “John Quincy”? Why did Rutherford Hayes the elder hang his wife’s maiden name, Birchard, on the future president? Maybe for the same reason Francis and Hannah Nixon gave their son Richard the middle name of Milhous. Were James Abram Garfield’s parents closet Semites? Where in the world did Warren Harding’s parents come up with a middle name like Gamaliel? Maybe from a member of the Jewish Sanhedrin? Were they secret Zionists?

Barack Obama elected not to run for president under his nickname “Barry.” Maybe it dawned upon him that the name didn’t help Barry Goldwater in his campaign against Lyndon Johnson. Maybe Goldwater should have run under his father’s name—Baron.

It might have helped Barack to put an apostrophe in Obama. Who could accuse a guy named Barry O’Bama of being Kenyan? Nobody in Baldwin County, surely.

Readers may write Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson S.C., 29625 or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@AOL.com.