I’m sitting here shedding crocodile tears for those poor, oppressed cockfighting fans in Alabama.

They’re fighting hard to prevent their Legislature from heaping more punishment on those who indulge in the ancient and honorable sport of cockfighting. The lawmakers have been contemplating a bill that would increase the penalties for engaging in the pastime. The present fines range from $20 to $50, which can be more than covered by a single successful bet. The bill would provide for a fine of up to $500 and three months in jail for the first offense and up to $3,000 and six months in jail for repeat offenses.

The penalties would apply to those who stage the fights, attend the fights, breed and sell birds for cockfighting, bet on the fights, or engage in other activities associated with the sport. What’s a decent, cockfighting fan to do?

Devotees of the sport are opposing the proposed legislation. Leading the charge, spurs flashing, is the Alabama Gamefowl Breeders Association, which has managed to fend off such legislative outrages in the past.

“Alabama has more important things to worry about that cockfighting,” said D’Renda Lewis, secretary of ALGBA.  

Some would call that progress. Alabama once had more important things to worry about than people forced to ride in the backs of buses, or required to attend substandard segregated schools, or denied equal opportunity in housing, lodging and employment. It preferred to focus on the more important things, such as outlawing the NAACP.

Thank goodness Alabama and her Southern sisters no longer have to worry about these things.

Cockfighting, for crying out loud, is no worse than bullfighting. At least the spurs that draw blood from a fighting rooster are wielded by one of its own kind and not by a matador who wields a sharp sword against the horns of a bull.

It’s sort of like dueling, when two men face off with their weapons of choice. In dueling, it’s man against man. In cockfighting, it’s bird against bird.

Dueling, unfortunately, has been outlawed, and nowadays if you draw a pistol or a knife to settle an argument, you can be charged with assault or even murder. It’s another one of those freedoms that have been snatched from us by those girly liberals.

The gamecocks used in a cockfight, of course, have no particular quarrel with one another. They’re just naturally bred to fight — to be angry with any feathered creature placed in the pit with them. So these freedom-loving Alabamians are being penalized just for letting their birds do what comes natural — what they were bred to do. Next thing you know, they’ll outlaw the breeding of pit bulls.

Lewis contends that even the fines of $20 to $50 now on the books are unfair in most cases. The majority of cockfights are held in private, not public settings, and therefore are legal under Alabama law.

That makes sense to me. If a person wants to engage in cruelty to animals, he should be able to do so, as long as the general public isn’t invited.

I’m presuming that a gamecock that refuses to fight is condemned to the pot, which is where his less truculent kinsmen wind up anyway. That’s no worse than what Michael Vick and his friends were doing to dogs; at least wimpy roosters provide nourishment for humans. I don’t think NFL quarterbacks were ever driven to eating dog meat.

ALGBA recommended friendly persuasion to nudge lawmakers to spike the offensive bill.

In an on-line posting, Lewis urged members to “visit in person, take a small token of appreciation to them, a box of candy, small bouquet of flowers, you get my drift, a small token.”

The Humane Society, which for some reason thinks cockfighting is inhumane, filed an ethics complaint based on that posting. After all, bribing lawmakers is illegal, even in Alabama.

But there was no suggestion that the breeders donate huge bundles of cash, offer lavish vacations or shower the solons with other perks. That would be illegal. But the Alabama Ethics Commission seldom looks askance on small gifts such as flowers and candy.

Besides, said Lewis, taking a gift into a legislator’s office is a matter of manners, not bribery.

“In my upbringing,” she said, “I was taught that when you visit someone, you take a small gift.” That’s especially true in the case of lawmakers. Never show up without a gift in hand if you’re asking for favors. Some lawmakers consider it downright rude to petition them empty-handed.

My guess is that Alabama lawmakers won’t need large gifts to persuade them to do the right thing. They have a long history of protecting the rights of minorities, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see them expand the rights of those who take pleasure in watching pain inflicted on living creatures.

Lots of people think it’s hilarious to tie firecrackers to the tail of a dog or cat and set them off. Some even get their kicks from dousing animals with flammable liquid and setting them on fire. Others simply enjoy beating them senseless. They are, after all, only animals and can only dimly perceive principles behind such time-honored practices.

My suggestion is that ALGBA members visit their legislators bearing clusters of crablegs or succulent lobsters, which have been killed by dropping them in boiling water. That should dull their sensitivity to the thought of cocks slicing each other up with steel-sheathed spurs.

I suspect I will hear from some indignant animal lovers who deplore my advocacy of such cruelty. Before you sound off, please haul out your dictionary and look up the words “irony” and “satire.”

Readers may write Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson SC 29625 or at WadesDixieco@AOL.com.