Dear Peer Pressure:

My 5-year-old sister died of a sickness in August. The doctor said she was doing really well and we weren’t expecting to lose her.

My mom is having a hard time coping. She hasn’t been able to go back to work since it happened. I was very close to my little sister and miss her very much, but I’m worried about my mom. I feel like I didn’t just lose a sister, but I lost a mom too.

My older sister is overseas in the Army and so I don’t have her to talk to about this. Is there anything I can do to help my mom out?

— Sad and confused

SR: Dear Sad and Confused,

Your question reminds me of the movie “Sleepless in Seattle.”

In some cases, parents are the ones who struggle longer in dealing with the loss of a family member. For parents, it seems as a natural course of events for a child to live longer than their parent. The death of a child signifies the loss of a future, of hopes and dreams. When a woman’s husband dies, she becomes a widow. However, when a woman loses her child, there is no word for her; just pain that is difficult to explain.

Some people believe the death of a child is the most intense pain a parent can ever experience. It leaves a parent feeling as though a part of him or her has died. Then, the thought of recovering too soon or coping with the grief too soon can create a feeling of guilt. Some people believe that grief keeps the parent connected to the deceased child. Dealing with the death of a family member is never easy for anyone. Also, everyone seems to deal with death or casualties differently.

The best advice I can give you is to try and be supportive of your mom’s healing period and know that she doesn’t purposely put her feelings of grief above her feelings for you. Sometimes books are utilized as a means of therapy. A bestseller titled “On Death and Dying” (1997), written by Elisabeth Kubler Ross M.D., might be a good selection for your mother to read.

JPC: Dear Sad and Confused,

It is hard to deal with such a tragic occurrence in the life of your family, especially something so unexpected. I can’t imagine how awful it must be to lose a loved one. Know that you are a very strong person to go through this and an even stronger one to want to help your mom.

During this time, it’s important to remember that people deal with death in different ways, and most likely it will take some time for your mother to come to terms with this loss. Just asking her if there’s anything you can do will probably be a bigger help to her than you could imagine. Reminding her you care and you want to help her will probably aid her in getting through this tough time in your lives.

Although your mom is having a hard time coping with this death, remember she still loves you; and though your sister will never be forgotten, your family will overcome this tragedy.