Each year, I usher out the calendar with a cock-eyed look at the next 12 months, offering predictions that have been proved 99.44 percent baloney. Here, for what they’re worth, are the 2011 predictions, month by month:

January: Video pops up on YouTube showing President Obama in turban and beard talking to similarly groomed individuals in what appears to be a Middle Eastern setting. Bloggers say he’s “talking to Muslim friends.” “Miss Alaska” drops out of “Miss America” competition after Fox News offers her a position as correspondent in Fiji. Bristol Palin offers to stand in, provided home viewers are allowed a voice in the decision. “Miss America” officials rule that a single mother cannot become “Miss America.” Auburn Tigers win national college football championship on the field. Fans give the title to the South Carolina Gamecocks in recognition of their improvement.

February: Snopes investigates Obama YouTube video, reports that the footage was shot at a nativity pageant in the president’s church, and Obama was portraying one of the magi. Democrats ponder what to do in response to the TV documentary, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” in which the former governor is shown shooting caribou and gutting halibut. Decide to produce their own reality show titled “Joe Biden’s Delaware,” showing the vice president dropping a blue crab into boiling water.

March: Protests from PETA lead to cancellation of “Joe Biden’s Delaware.” Democrats decide instead to produce “Barack Obama’s Hawaii,” showing the president harvesting pineapples with a machete. Fox News announces plans for a documentary, “Barack Obama’s Indonesia,” portraying the president's sojourn in his stepfather’s homeland. Nancy Pelosi accepts invitation to perform in “Dancing with the Stars” with Len Goodman as her partner. Bristol Palin will replace Goodman as a judge.

April: Goodman says teaching Pelosi to dance will be a challenge; she has a hard time moving to the right. CNN announces plans for a talk show in which former Sen. John Edwards will join a panel consisting of former governors Mark Sanford, Rod Blagojevich and Eliot Spitzer. They will be billed as “The Fallen Four.”

May: Sarah Palin accepts invitation to appear with Katie Couric on “Celebrity Jeopardy,” provided she gets to choose the categories. Alex Trebek responds: “The clue is, ‘This is when we will agree to your terms’.” The correct response is, “What is ‘when hell freezes over’ ”?

June: Sarah Palin performs on “America’s Got Talent.” Her act consists of gutting a halibut while uttering a moose call. Congress repeals Obamacare. President poised to veto the act until House Speaker John Boehner bursts into tears while pleading with him in the Oval Office. “I had to compromise,” the president explains. “He was crying all over the floor, and the Republicans cut out the funds in the budget to replace the carpet.” 

July: Congress votes to repeal Medicare. Supporters of repeal say Medicare actually contributed to the country’s high death rate compared to that of other countries. Statistics revealed that millions under the Medicare drug plan were dying from side-effects of medications, especially people with liver problems and women who were nursing, pregnant, or expecting to become pregnant. Sarah Palin advances in “America’s Got Talent” competition alongside an 86-year-old woman who blows a kazoo through her nose while whistling harmony through her teeth. Howie Mandel praises the kazoo performance, saying, “That’s what this show is all about.”

August: Nancy Pelosi finishes second in “Dancing With the Stars” after two judges give her a 10 for her final performance in the quick step, and the third gives her a zero. Votes from the TV audience give first place to Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina, dancing with Derrick Hough.

September: In “America’s Got Talent,” a witchdoctor from the Amazon rainforest wows the audience by blowing fire from his nostrils in the direction of the judges’ table and burning off Howie Mandel’s soul patch. Voters put the witchdoctor in the final four along with Sarah Palin, the 86-year-old kazoo player, and a 3-year-old girl from Daphne who plays her own classical compositions on a harpsichord. Piers Morgan throws up on camera. Congress uses savings from Medicare elimination to cut corporate income taxes and eliminate capital-gains taxes. Manufacturing enjoys dramatic increase. Alabama automobile factories run full blast. Hyundai moves its world headquarters to Lincoln; Daimler-Benz relocates to Vance; Honda leaves Japan for Lincoln.

October: “America’s Got Talent” competition ends in draw because network ran out of time waiting for Nick Cannon to announce the results. Sarah Palin advances to the Iowa caucuses. New York Yankees sweep the World Series on the field, but votes from fans give the world championship to the Chicago Cubs.

November: Growth of American manufacturing as a result of tax cuts creates great need for workers. America enjoys full employment for first time since the landing at Jamestown. Congress solves labor shortage by repealing Social Security and the FICA tax; suggests that retirees go to work in industry and shift from relying on government checks to relying on paying jobs.

December: The Fallen Four agree that the Democrats will win the White House and Congress in 2012. They cite the return to prosperity, along with population shifts documented in the 2010 census. A lot of people moved from Blue States into the Red States, which should increase the Democratic vote in states like Texas, Florida and North Carolina, they said. Labor unions grow as a result of jobs growth, adding to the Democratic base. Sanford says it’s unfair, because Republican policies led to the prosperity. Other panelists say Democrats should benefit because “That is what this show is all about.” Nation awaits the verdict of the fans.

Write Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson SC 29625, or by e-mail at: WadesDixieco@AOL.com.